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5th-May-2011 06:48 pm(no subject)
this is something I've been meaning to post on fb and I just can't bring myself to do it.  I thought maybe it would be easier here and most of the people I was struggling to tell are on lj anyway.

Last Wednesday, I received a phone call from my mom letting me know that my dad had a heart attack and was in the ER on his way to the CCU.  He had been living in Denver, CO and it had been almost 2 years since I last spoke with him on the phone, and 6 years since I had seen him in person.  After a lot of crying and then a trip to the therapist the next morning, and more information about him being nonresponsive, my mom, Justin, and I made the decision that Justin and I would fly out to Denver that night.  We didn't reach the hospital until 3 AM Friday morning.  My mom and therapist warned me he wouldn't look the same, but he just looked like he was sleeping on the couch, aside from the breathing tube.  I held his hand for 2 hours, slept for 2, and then went back to his side.  Through shift changes, and moving him and adjusting his equipment, the hospital staff was wonderful and never asked me to leave.  I got the news around 10 that he had not actually had a heart attack, but something brought on pulseless electrical activity, and his brain had gone 30 minutes without oxygen in that time.  At almost the same time, the pastor from a local Episcopalian church showed up to give him his last rites.  Oh, and Justin passed out.  Finally, around 2, his cousin, whom he was staying with and held his power of attorney, showed up, said a few brief words to me and brought me his Big Book (from AA) and his Bible, and informed the doctors to remove life support.  She left before they actually disconnected anything, but I was there the whole time, and held his hand.

This was by far the hardest thing I've ever done, and I think the hardest thing Justin's ever done, and I'm still reeling, although at times I feel like I'm not sad enough, since now that I'm home, it's easy to pretend nothing has changed.  I think a lot about how being apart all this time made this so hard, but being together or actively fighting would have been hard too.  I think about how I wished I had more time, but that wouldn't make it any less hard either.  There were a lot of other difficult, uncomfortable things that followed, dealing with family there he only met 9 months ago, as well as family living in FL, and an estranged wife.

If you read this and want to call, please do.  I really don't want to be alone too long right now and my mom is processing it by not talking about it and wanting to be alone.  And Justin is really doing his best but needs to work and some time to recharge before coming home to an apartment where not a lot of chores are getting done.  Nothing will ever be the same but nothing feels different enough either.  A lot of people tell me this is something you just don't get over, you learn to live your life with it instead.   This is the first I've really written down about it.  I guess Justin is right, I should start a journal, but besides this basic outline, I don't know what else to say.

Douglass James Voris
March 25, 1957 - April 29, 2011
6th-Oct-2010 08:48 pm - Gettin' Better
In class on LJ again...

I made it through the first hour paying attention! To the book more than the lecture... but I'm just not really good at lecture.  He wanders a lot, which I'm sure is much better for interaction and normal attention spans, but for me, it does not work with my hyper ordered notetaking.  But I tried, and considering I haven't looked at a textbook since last Wednesday's test, that's pretty good.

Everything is better since starting these enzymes on Tuesday.  But to explain this, I need to explain this weekend.  After dinner Thursday night, I was holding my belly in crazy pain and was considering going to the emergency room.  It had been going on at relative intensities for about a week, but it was bad enough that Friday after a dinner of plain noodles, I made a GP appointment for Monday morning, and Friday night, we had a serious emergency room considerations.  But, after researching stool related things, we had become convinced it was pancreatitis.  I spent the weekend on clear fluids until Sunday night, where I ate a particularly inflaming meal so I would be in honest pain in the appointment.  Unfortunately, my GP's father died so I had to last minute reschedule for the gastroenterologist ( I don't even know what to do for my amazing GP with such a serious loss).

I saw a different doctor than normal and he ordered a small bowel series to check for further celiac damage, blood work, an anti-spasmodic, and papaya extract.  After a huge insurance ordeal at the hospital, we got through the tests and picked up the extract chewables.  The small bowel series was crazy painful but apparently unremarkable, except that I apparently have a very fast metabolism.  Food goes in and out in less than 45 minutes.  Made another appointment for Tuesday since I was still in pain, subsiding from "awful meal" but definitely still present.

Saw ANOTHER new doctor Tuesday, but I'm actually glad about this, each doctor has a different attitude.  My bloodwork came back 110% normal as it did in June (Textbook 120/80 BP too, I'm apparently an extremely healthy fatso).  He did order a CT scan still because my pancreas could have been inflamed for so long that it now puts out normal enzymes even when malfunctioning.  He also gave me a fiber drink (he's a representative of...) and pancreatic enzymes.  The CT scan is set for Friday so I will eat another too-spicy red meat meal Thursday night and get the tummy all agitated.

So anyway the whole point is that while I'm still on "rest" and can't go back to the gym, by taking these additional enzymes before and after every meal, I've had next to no pain (normally pain is a reminder I forgot to take it).  The doctor believes this should be all it takes and was probably caused by the celiac and not any outside disease, but we'll see.  I'll post more about this doctor after I see him again on Tuesday.

Last word: barium is friggin' gross and I can't believe I have to down two more bottles of it Friday morning.  My poop gloooooooows.
22nd-Sep-2010 07:58 pm - FAIL.
Today was supposed to be an exciting day to post.  It was going to be a full month of going to the gym.  I was joking with my therapist that I could get a red chip.  But I haven't been since Thursday.  I had my first test in my graduate course Monday.  I felt the most prepared I had ever felt for a test in college.  I did the most homework I've done in years.  And right now I feel like I failed.  She gave us the one type of question she promised we didn't have to study (we didn't finish the last chapter before the test).  The grades still haven't been posted and I keep obsessively checking.

I drank a bit too much Monday night in a reverse "I'm NOT studying" attitude.  Woke up not feeling so great, of course, but it was the first morning I could wake up.  I was worried about the weekend just because every morning, I was sleeping through every alarm.  Come Tuesday night though, still waking up every few hours, having trouble waking up once Justin's left for work.  More than one brain fog attack.  More left side pain.  More bloody stool.TMI in white.

So I didn't go to the gym Tuesday or Wednesday.  Justin has been working all night lately so he really is not up to being a cheerleader right now, especially on the nights when he's making dinner because I'm in class and so out of it.  I'm in the "starving but not hungry" and "i feel awful when I don't eat, but i feel awfuler immediately after eating, so let me put off eating as long as possible."  All of this points to being glutened, but I am continuing to blame this on my period onset.  I've been eating every thing proper gluten wise (and everything improper health wise because I'm avoiding food so hard) but every where I look I see cross contamination.  And I just am too lazy and sad to care.

It's on the list for January: to have a place where I can prepare food safely and feel safe.  It doesn't matter which house, I don't know who ate what when, and I'm not looking to control other people's actions, they don't deserve that, this is my illness, not theirs.  But I can't depend on any sponge, any bottle in the fridge, not to be covered in hidden wheat, and most days I just can't wash everything as many times as I should.  My hands are broken out as it is and it burns like hell every time I wash my hands.  A little part of me wants to blame all this awfulness on the topical steroid I apply to my hands, but I don't think topical things work like that.

This was a big ole bitch session but oh well.  Maybe I'll try and count up my actual days gone to the gym and work on a real 30 days.
16th-Sep-2010 03:40 pm - It's really already 3 pm?
We did eat the dinner planned last night (except it also had olives, oddly) and drank a glass of tea for dessert.  I mostly drank the tea because I wanted a sweet taste but had no room for desserts.  Justin and I have always taken two portions at dinner, since our portion size is dictated by paperbowls.  I think I am going to cut back to one bowl, which means even more spoiled left overs, but honestly, I've had no room this week.

I skipped breakfast altogether since there was no milk for cereal and went straight to the gym.  Lunch was one quesadilla instead of two like normal, and I grabbed some yogurt covered pretzels if I wanted dessert, but just have no desire for them.  I kind of have a feast or famine food issue.  Not binge/purge, but I just get very insatiably hungry and always want more, or just blah, no interest, only eating because I'm dizzy.   I also like to eat a lot of the same food over and over until I can't stand it and then don't eat it again for a year.

Its a big "its not fair" sticking point for me is I have never been an overeater.  I have nerves so sometimes I munch so I won't bite my nails, and I do like sweet things over salty or spicy things, but I just don't eat that much and when I do, its because I feel so hungry.  I watch so many other people (skinny and not) eat entire packages of Oreos, or the whole gallon of ice cream (I can't even finish a pint, and I've tried when I've been dumped) or the whole bag of Doritos. I have trouble finishing entrees at restaurants.  But then I remember, oh well, guess that's no fair. No one said life was.

Gym time today was very much like Tuesday.  Got up to 12% on the treadmill the first time, instead of just 8%.  No vision impairment on the bike although I was very nauseous afterwards and had to take a bathroom break.  Still "cooled down" on the treadmill, going from 3 mph down to 1.6 mph.  Accidentally got the machine up to 3.5 which becomes too fast to walk, so I doubt I will be going above 3 for awhile.  I still can't believe I'm having luck on the treadmill now.  I never go near the elliptical anymore because whats the point of a machine that gets my HR up so fast and no way to slow down.  I can get down to 110 and up to 160 on the treadmill, so I feel like I have a lot more control and can actually warm up and cool down.  The bike intervals were about 140 - 170, although I did get above 180 on the two peaks.  Still, it feels good that 3 days this week I have gone for 40 minutes on one thing.  I don't know if my butt can take 60 minutes of biking, but it will be worth trying as soon as I can get my peak HR down a little.

The one thing I do miss about the elliptical is the arm involvement.  Nothing I've been doing the past month has left me really sore, although I get what I call "dinosaur legs" where my footfalls are much louder than I expect them to be, so my legs are definitely tired.  But on the bike I can feel my thighs working on the higher resistances.  I know that exercising one part of your body doesn't cause fat to fall off that part of the body, but my legs are really the last thing I'm concerned about and I'm even more scared they might get bigger.  My arms, on the other hand, bother me a lot.  I don't have fat arms in one sense.  My fingers and hands hold no weight, I have wrists, can see my veins clearly in my forearms.  But my upper arms are huge.  They are the only reason I have to wear mens shirts instead of womens.  I would say my upper arms are four times the width of my forearms (just looking in the mirror).  Why is this and how do I undo it?? It doesn't even feel like fat, just skin.  I wonder if it's from lack of muscle, which is definitely something that was related to the celiac.

I guess the solution would be to use a weight machine (scary) or just use some free hand weights while on the cardio machines (technically not allowed, but I have seen many people do it).  When I was working at WCS, I know a few girls did their walking with wrist weights on.  This also means I would not be gripping the HR monitors anymore though, so I guess I would have to get a separate monitor, which would be more accurate.  This is just turning into a fitness themed Christmas wish list.  I'd like to add new Nike+ shoes to that list too since my 4 year old Reeboks are now giving me blisters.

Another nice thing about being able to let go of the HR monitor would be that they get so sweaty and its really aggravating a breakout on my hands.  While I don't have some of the worst IBS celiac symptoms, I definitely have the dermatitis hepaformis, and every time I get sick, I break out in at least one spot and any kind of moisture makes it hurt, a lot.  This is why I still have forget to wash my hands sometimes, because that was the doctors recommendation before.  (Really, we have no idea why you are breaking out on your hands in painful blisters, probably stress, but if it hurts when you wash your hands, just try to do it as little as possible with very cold water.  You could literally watch my skin slough off when I washed my hands).

I still have yet to figure out whats making me sick right now other than I have not felt well after eating Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon, or Wednesday night (and had nightmares and woke up for hours at a time last night twice).  Part of the urge to go to the gym Wednesday was to power through the pain and move whatever was in my stomach.  I've had bad bathroom trips from it, but no crying since Sunday so yay.

You know, at the end of these, I still haven't gotten out half of what I've wanted to say (therapy goes like this too lol).  Once I've gotten out the current stuff, theres no time for unpacking the older stuff, or the more minor amusing stuff (like seriously WTF making out couple on the weight machines).  I guess thats what keeps this a journal and not a blog.  Its much more sprawling.  But I still like using LJ and not a paper journal because I type WAY faster than I write, and there is a certain accountability by making it public.  I can't blame anyone for not making it through all of these entries, but seriously, I am counting on someone to say something if they suddenly stop.  Must keep going!
15th-Sep-2010 06:39 pm - The day after no sleep
That's not true.  I slept from 6 am to 11 am.  But had tons of nightmares (including killer gophers...) and an awful time separating reality and dream upon waking up (I thought I went downstairs twice before I actually did it in rl).  Was weird and slow start to the day.  Ate a muffin again for breakfast as this is the only thing I can prepare mostly safely if I don't wake up before my grandmother.  Its amazing where toast crumbs get when she is making her breakfast.  Ate a quesidilla fairly late for lunch and have a gatorade now so yay for no double dinners.  I guess tonight will be tomato sauce pasta with ground beef and mushrooms to give Justin a break on all the veggie chopping prep he did Monday night.  I hate that Lean Cusine commercial where they sarcastically say peeling and chopping is relaxing after a long day.  Pshh.  I just don't like eating later than we already are, but trust, I feel so much better and more accomplished if I had to chop to make the meal.

The other downside from lots of homecooked meals though: my dishwasher can't wash fast enough.  Not only does my mother never touch a dish to make a meal (other than all my knives to make her tomato-mozz-balsamic thing, and tupperware to keep it in the fridge for three weeks), she never washes the ones I use to make her dinner. [end whiney dish rant]

Gym:  The past two days were harder so I kind of went easy today.  Especially since I didn't get to the gym until 4:30 and had to go to school right after (that's where I am now, waiting for class).  40 minutes on the treadmill alternating going 1.8 and 2.2 mph.  Did go 2.6 for a few minutes at the very end since I knew there would be a 5 minute "cool down".  I was reading the whole time which helps keep my heart rate down and listening to classical music, but it still basically went 130 to 140 with the alternating intensities.  I wish I could have gone longer but I didn't want to be late for school and I had an awful time changing at the gym.  A lot of the doors don't work so I was trying to completely change every article of sticky clothing while holding the door shut with my back.  For some reason, after a week of no sweating, this week has been super sweaty.  I was red faced even 30 minutes after stopping.  I really wonder what was going on those first few weeks with my menstrual cycle and the cleanse.

Today still felt kind of lazy but better to go low-intensity than not go at all.  Especially because who knows how many days are going to get skipped while I study for my first test in the graduate class.  I really don't think the test will be all that bad but only if I put my standard amount of studying in.  Now is not the time to get even more lazy!  I cannot afford to be anymore scholastically lazy than I already am.

I'm really more worried about the paper and I don't even want to go talk to the prof about it because what if I'm honest about my interests?  I have no interest in public accounting and originally wanted a degree in small business.  I did really well in your class though, so I was convinced to change my major and it wasn't until I got to 4000-level classes that I realized I made the wrong decision but it was too late.  How am I going to use my accounting knowledge?  Well, not to pass the CPA.  To bake cake.  **wait to be told to leave**
15th-Sep-2010 02:42 am - oh yeah...
I didn't post half of what I meant to post earlier because the TV was on and mom was still screaming pretty loudly at the AT&T people.  Now that I'm wide awake I can post! *sigh*

I wanted to say something about Monday night and now it oddly connects to Tuesday Night.  I know one thing that will make everything in life easier is in January, I will have no more classes (well, as long as I pass these classes...).  The obvious reduction of stress and increase in earnings potential is great, but also: not having to take 7-10 classes.  These are pretty much the only business classes offered, which was depressing this semester when I could have taken daytime classes.  I'd love to be more awake for class, to have 1 or 1 1/2 hr classes, instead of 3 hour classes, but alas student attention span and wellbeing are not taken into account when scheduling classes at a very cash-strapped college.  This means, two nights a week, my choices are to eat dinner by myself at 5 (to leave the house by 6, plus time on each side for prep and clean up) or to wait for Justin and eat dinner at 11 (assuming we can prep in 30 minutes).

I really like to wait because, in addition to sleeping in the same bed almost every single night since we've started dating, we've also eaten dinner together every night, with his family normally at least twice a month.  It's really really nice and not something I grew up with.  My grandmother would fix me a tv dinner hours before fixing her own so I would sit on the floor in the tv room by myself or at the kitchen table by myself to eat.  My mother wouldn't normally be home until after 10 pm.  The last meal we ate in the dining room of this house would be Seder in my sophmore year of high school; at the kitchen table, Thanksgiving of 2006.  Really, the Thanksgiving meals we've had since then were either not at this house or eaten on TV trays while watching a recording of the parade.  So dinner together it is.

I'm actually proud of the meal we ate Monday night because it was entirely a "produce section" meal, no inner aisles!  Thin sliced chicken breasts in olive oil, steamed broccoli and carrots, and smashed potatoes (well, they had some butter but no milk).  But we did not sit down to eat this meal until after 11 pm.  Weren't finished eating (including a gluten free ice cream sandwich) until 1 am.  And trying to go immediately to bed.  Justin has no problem but he could also sleep sitting up anywhere.  How can one sleep while digesting quite that actively?

I know if I eat dinner at 5 I would have to eat again (well, I'd probably have to bring snacks to class because I still don't always have the best time going more than 4 hrs between eating) but then I just end up eating 2 full dinners, which is the opposite of the point.  I will be so happy when night classes are gone for good.

Tonight, however, my green soup came out awful to me.  I tried to make them with Pacific condensed soup, instead of the normal "gluten-free cream soup" packets I use, and it just came out very thin and icky for me.  Good luck on figuring out the calories in it since I kept adding things hoping it would make it better.  Corn starch, potato starch, arrowroot flour, half and half.  Justin liked it and said it tasted good, but I was dissatisfied.  Ate two bowls because I still was starving though.  We ate around 8 pm since Justin got off work at 7 pm.  In my horrible stomach pain, I literally fell asleep at 9 pm, lights still on, wrong ways on the bed.  We woke up at 10 and turned around and passed back out til 1 am.  At that point, he turned the light off and instead, my brain went on.  Couldn't breathe, sweating, can't calm down or concentrate on any sort of visual to rein it in, so after an hour of that, I gave up and came downstairs.

I always wonder if everyone else plays food detective when they don't feel good: it couldn't have been the soup that fast.  Could have been from waiting that long to eat since I did get dizzy-hungry while cooking and sucked down a glass of white grape juice.  Eventually cracked and ate a small bowl of potato chips too.  Gluten free muffin from the morning are the same gluten free muffins I've been eating.  Cross-contamination last night or any time today?  Jamba juice from yesterday afternoon?  Not food related or at least not gluten related?  This is what I obsess about every time I get... broken.

Or is it just from two sweaty workouts two days in a row?  I haven't had too many heart palpitations (although I still get them on a fairly regular basis, am told they are purely stress related), I had gut pain on the machines and gut pain in bed (also have been told this is stress related after a few ultrasounds, radioactive gallbladder scan, and an endoscopy).  I did grey out a little bit while doing the "highest peak" on the bike, but it wasn't as scary as when I greyed out on the treadmill with Justin a few Sundays ago.  (greying out meaning vision gets fuzzy and grey around the edges, sort of tunneling).  I also have just sweat a lot, and although many water bottles go in, I get worried it's not enough because I've always drank a lot of water.  I got a cold bottle of water when I came downstairs but I want to cuddle it more than drink it.  (Is that also a weird thing?  I will put an ice pack on my upper stomach when it hurts...)

Sigh, still awake now.  Going to go read Fandom!Secrets and then maybe study until that makes me sleepy.  When all else fails, accounting is a sedative, right?
14th-Sep-2010 06:00 pm - Tuesday To-Dos-day
I've been waiting to write this for three hours because ATT has reached new levels of fail.  Internet is back up but things are still real bad.  Here's to three months of free cable?

So log first: (I should probably learn how to LJ cut this part)

20 min on treadmill - 40 min on bike - 20 min on treadmill
First time on treadmill was an effort to get the heart rate up so I got all the way to 8% incline in 8 minutes, held for 3 minutes, and then declined over the next 8 minutes, but I did get some more speed on the back end.  I really want to get to wear 3 mph walking is comfortable and not scary falling.  Average heart rate 124.  The bike was... hard.  Did the hills again on "level 9" right now (one higher than I had before).  So boring in the first end, but at that highest peak, I got up to 180, and had to do the "just keep going, halfway through, only one quarter left, your legs won't break."  Thats why I ended up doing a 20 minute "cool down" on the treadmill.  My butt hurt way too much from the bike to stay on one minute longer for the cool down.  So I got on the treadmill and decreased from 2.6 to 1.4 mph.

Even with fans, I sweated like a mofo today, but in a good way.  I did however suck down a Gatorade as soon as I got home.  So so tired now but I haven't eaten a lunch really other than that gatorade and a glass of juice.  Ate a muffin with some milk in the morning and dinner is one of the best dinners I make: Green soup!  I took all the stems of the broccoli we had steamed over the past few days, and chopped them all up and put them in a cream of chicken soup with some chicken breasts.

Now I have a blister from choppin broccoli *singing in my head*
13th-Sep-2010 08:50 pm - Way to waste time...
I'm on a class break right now bored out of my mind.

Proud of myself today because I got my quiz done early, went to the gym (20 minutes on treadmill, 20 minutes on bike), and then made it to therapy with like 3 minutes to spare.  Ate some lunch but took too long and had to rush a visit with my friend in the maternity ward before making it to class. And am now super board in class because I fail at lecture.  I really am missing pieces to pay attention for a full 10 minutes on anything.  At worst point, I think I had 6 firefox windows and 4 docs open. *bounce bounce*

Actually, attention issues aside, I'm wiped today.  I think its because I went to Justin's Boca West LA Fitness instead of my Coral Springs North LA Fitness.  Fewer machines have HR monitors, no machines have fans, and the upright bike is funky.  The only benefit is way more crossramp trainers, fewer kinds of ellipticals.  I always complain that I don't sweat enough at the gym, today it was pouring off me.  Apparently those fans help, A LOT.  So I've been kind of drained from the loss of water and salt.  Most annoying because I always bring a lil 80-calorie bottle of Gatorade to the gym with me and normally, I take two swigs and am done, sometimes none.  Today I don't, it's the day I'm wiped.

Thing about eating:
There's this difference between calories I'm ashamed of and ones I'm not.  I wrongly defended a very calorie-dense meal I ate the other week: 1,200 calories.  But you know what, at least that's food.  It's too much and I want to look into how I can still enjoy that meal with way less calories, but it was healthy in a "fewer chemicals, whole foods" kind of way and it was fast and comforting when I was crumbling.  I'm not ashamed I ate it at this point.  I'm more ashamed of the 85 calories in mini-Snickers I ate this morning while being too hungry to figure out what to eat for breakfast.  What a waste.  Was it really so long to wait for my waffles I ended up eating?  They didn't even taste good.  Disappointed I ate them, and hate that they are even in the house before Halloween.

Did better the rest of the day, but have no idea what is for dinner. *crossing my fingers Justin doesn't pick up a Hormel meal* I told him I had to make the mashed potatoes no matter what.  Will do anything to avoid eating another tub o' tatoes ever again.
13th-Sep-2010 11:50 am - An actual log
Yesterday I went to the gym and made a smarter eating decision yay.

I ate tuna for lunch which is a great habit I had stopped doing.  It is really yummy and simple, and its not crazy less calories than the quesadillas I normally make, but it is less processed and very little dairy, so better.  Also, we made the Aarti Party sloppy joes last night.  We didn't use up the defrosted buns since it was so crazy filling, but I was shopping with Justin this time so we got the ground turkey breast to make it.  Mom had bought ground turkey for the alfredo earlier in the week because it was so much cheaper, but we turned the packages around last night, TWICE THE CALORIES! Isn't $1 more a pound worth being able to fill up on TWICE as much food (or you know, just waste fewer calories).  I am done with not super lean meat.  Unless you are making burgers, it is just completely unnecessary.

It does bring in to sharp relief why some of these food issues come up and reminds me of when I was watching more Martha Stewart at the beginning of the year: how does one make meals that are fast, not processed, low calorie, low cost, healthy fats and oils, extra antioxidants...?  When does the list of things I am supposed to pack in one meal ever end?  The ways to define healthy even drive me crazy.

Ok and I did go to the gym, just barely before they closed (at 7pm on Sundays grr).  I did 40 minutes on the bike because of some articles I read about pear vs. apple that said that pears should aim for longer cardio sessions than the pat "active 30 minutes a day".  I also then did 15 minutes on the crossramp which sucked, but actually didn't spike my heart rate.  It was 150-160 the whole time, but I didn't get all 180-190 like I've done on the elliptical before.  The bike was an average HR of 139, distance 11.2 (I took pictures of the screen lol).

They had a setup for free body composition measuring but no one was around to ask about it (I'm not sure they employee staff at my LA Fitness every day).  Probably for the best though as it would have been very depressing and/or incredibly inaccurate.  I am still too paranoid to use their trainer services after last time.  It was a young kid that did the session with me and I don't know if it was because he had no idea what "beginner" meant or if it was the undiagnosed celiac, but I couldn't move my arms above my head for 2 weeks.  It really really sucked.  Everytime I do cardio though, I stare at the weight machines in wonder.
13th-Sep-2010 11:33 am - Well, I got some comments

Saturday night really sucked.  I got the comments I wanted and then staring at the ceiling realized I'm not taking any of this seriously.  And unfortunately, no one around me is either.  Not because I shouldn't lose weight or that I can't lose weight, but that now is not the time to take on anything additional.

It's driving me crazy but it's what therapy has turned into every week.  Why I should stop freaking out over everything other than school until January.  In January 2011, everything will be better.  Justin's mondo work stress and my mondo school stress will be gone.  Things can be done about living situations.  We can regain control of our lives.  But I really hate being out of control, and I start grasping and obsessing over things I think I can control, and get frustrated that I see things as my fault when I don't control them.

And then sometimes I swing the other way, and start the "it's not my fault" pity parade.  I constantly feel its so unfair that I am *this* heavy.  I haven't been the appropriate weight ever in my life (except some mystery time in 3rd grade I guess) as I went from underweight in private school (p4-1st) and then by 4th grade was overweight.  In 5th grade, me and my best friend were both 150 lbs.  I get upset all the time that somehow my mom didn't notice, didn't notice how my grandmother was raising me or that none of my clothes fit or that I was being teased, but Missy's parents noticed, and it still didn't help.  Childhood obeisity wasn't a thing then.  The doc told her that she would grow into it, just don't gain anymore.  I also know my mom feels guilty enough that it took me refusing to go to school for a month in 7th grade for her to notice what was going on so there's no point in throwing around blame.  But I just watch how other people eat and they are a little overweight, I don't eat junk food and I try hard to make only healthy food, but I'll never lose.  But of course, life isn't fucking fair and no one ever promised it would be, so its the same as trying to control things I can't.

So for right now, I still keep writing the more stream-of-consciousness entries but keep them private.  I will keep going to the gym (like I did yesterday) and posting about that, with the goal of getting a good cardio heart rate.  Weight loss plans will wait til January (like everyone else lol) but at least the gym won't be a scary place then.   I'm in a pre-weight loss stage and I need to be okay with that somehow, just like I am trying to get okay with everything else it's just not time for yet in my life.

Maybe I should add a countdown clock to my page, ne?

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